This has been a bad, bad week. After my meeting with Paul Lucking in which my workflow errors were laid bare I experienced an upsurge in motivation. That didn’t last long. The fact that I wasted so long on trying to apply a displacement map, that fact that all other work fell by the wayside and all that came out of it was a knowledge of how utterly I had failed has all come crashing down on me.
I have not yet begun work on November’s 11 Second Club. I am now wishing I had entered October’s competition. with my finished piece. The weekly tasks are piling up around me and I am failing to address them.
On top of all that there is the matter of my interpersonal relationships. The PTSD makes being at university difficult. It is insanely noisy which makes it difficult to concentrate. The entire time I am there I am on edge, expecting an attack. This is not just a psychological phenomena but a physiological one.
What makes it worse is knowing I have managed to alienate my classmates. In the first year the PTSD manifested as dissociative seizures and panic attacks. This year it is manifesting as aggressiveness. People are sympathetic to the first but not the latter despite the fact that they are different facets of the same phenomena.
One of my classmates told me yesterday that several of the other students had been disparaging me behind my back. This has been happening both in the physical world and online. The effect of this is to make me unwilling to come into the classrooms. I have no desire to antagonise people to such an extent nor to be around said people when antagonised.
And my cat is dying. A bad week all round really.